Riding the Relationship Rapids

Marriage Matters

9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ec 4:9–12.

Review:

The Blessedness of:

  • Singleness is where we lay foundations, build individual identity and devotion in Christ, discover His vision and plan for our life
  • Togetherness is where we multiply that devotion and vision through Christ centered interdependence 

Take away #1: RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE BOTH REWARDING AND ROCKY. THE KEY IS LEARNING TO ROW TOGETHER.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil (vs 9)

Toil – trouble, labor, work

Some Troubled Waters:

  • Financial Hardship
  • Unexpected Illness 
  • Intimacy Issues
  • Communication Breakdown
  • Time Management 
  • Parenting Styles 
  • Trust Issues
  • Differing Values
  • Boundaries with Extended Family

When you don’t row together in rhythm with each other things get rocky in a hurry. 

Four Relationship Rocks That Have Tossed Many Overboard

  1. Unmet Needs

The result of the essential emotional, physical, or spiritual needs of one another not being satisfied.

  1. Unfulfilled Expectations

This happens when one or both partners hold assumptions or desires about how the other should behave or what roles they should fulfill in the marriage, which are not met. 

  1. Unresolved Conflict

Conflict arises when disagreements or disputes are ignored or not effectively addressed or resolved, leading to ongoing tension and bitterness.

  1. Unclear Communication

Involves a failure to express thoughts, feelings, or needs in a way that is understandable and actionable for the other partner, often leading to misunderstandings and conflict.

Take away #2: WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF UP A CREEK, DON’T EXPECT MUCH FROM CARDBOARD PADDLES

For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!

A cardboard paddle is a temporary fix masquerading as a permanent solution.

  • “We just need more physical intimacy” 
  • Ignore it and hope it goes away 
  • “Let’s just do this for the kids”
  • Search outside the marriage
  • Unilateral decisions
  • Grand gestures
  • Quick fixes
  • Neglecting your personal care

Temporary fixes create permanent problems 

Take AWAY #3:  RELATIONSHIP RHYTHMS HAVE TO BE REMASTERED EVERYDAY

Remember the kayak paddle… it is two blades working together as one

#1 Selflessness & Serving 

When you selflessly serve one another in love there are no needs that go unmet.

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4, ESV).

True love is giving 100% while asking for nothing in return

#2 Humility and Honesty

When you are honest about how you feel and what you think, you bring to light the expectations of one anther and then embrace the humility to take them into consideration

Ephesians 4:15 (ESV)

15 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,

Remember: Humility recognizes that we have very few needs and far too many expectations

#3 Repentance and Reconciliation 

Repentance that works towards reconciliation reflects God’s model for resolving conflicts.

“Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Colossians 3:13 

Repentance followed by reconciliation prevents repeating patterns 

#4 Communication and Consistency

Real communication seeks understanding that leads towards action. Consistency builds trust. 

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” James 1:19 (ESV)

The first goal of communication is to be understood and to understand. Then find a Christ centered solution that you remain consistent in.

Consistency in communication keeps the enemy out of your relationship and keeps the cadence in your rhythm.

Exercise:

When encountering a problem and uncertainty about where to start, I employ “The Four Helpful Lists.”

Begin by taking a piece of paper and dividing it into four columns. Title each column as follows:

| What Is Right? | What Is Wrong? | What Is Confusing? | What Is Missing? |

List everything that comes to mind in response to each question. Then, highlight the most significant item in each category.

  • What is right represents a strength to build on and bless!
  • What is wrong signifies a conflict that requires prayerful resolution.
  • What is confusing indicates a question needing clarification.
  • What is missing presents an opportunity for investment.
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